Why should I allow myself to think about you? (Personal Letter)

I don't want to write any more letters to you. No, I'd like believe that I'm not doing this for you. I'm doing this for myself, because somehow, believing that you'll be able to realize these things yourself feels too comforting.

So, you're beginning to flood my mind, again. After six long months, I'm beginning to brood on the same feelings again simply because I gave in to that one fleeting moment of longing and frustration. Why do I gave in, you might want to ask. Well, that is because I'm totally over you, I want to answer in confidence. But heck, that lie would surely stink. It hurts me to admit this but I still care and I still feel.

Yeah, it did hurt me to admit this but is there anything much painful than the fact that you just ignored me, again. Six months with no response in any way and yet you managed to ignore me, again. You really don't care, do you? Not even a little, maybe. Do you know how much that stings from the inside?

I guess I just expected too much. I have expected that at least I managed to reach the edge of your heart before I fall off the ground. I have expected that I managed to left fingerprints at the corners of it enough for you to remember and care for me. So much for that, all I was able to left you were the arduous efforts I put through in order for me to look stupid enough in your eyes.

But no worries, I'm not mad. I come to believe that I have forgiven you. I have forgiven you but to the extent of still thinking about you. Or maybe not, maybe it is to myself that I am mad with. I am mad to myself because I still care about you, no matter what I do. I still want to see you, despite seeing so much already. I still tries to remember you in every possible way to the point of forgetting the essentials that I should be remembering, just to clear up some space for your memories. I still allow my heart to cry a little, rejoice a little, fear a little with the possibility of seeing you again. Isn't that the weirdest or is it just the stupidest?

You'll surely shake your head if you ever get a chance to read this, thinking, man this girl is so damn fool. Of course, a slight crooked smile would follow, hinting the elevation of your ego that would make you believe that you're one of the most beautiful, most amazing creature on earth. Well, if you still have a doubt, I'd like to appeal to that; Yes, you are. You're the most beautiful, most amazing creature in my eyes before and boy, do I try so hard for that to change now.

At the end of this, I would like to tell you that I'm giving myself all the time it need in order to heal because I know that it would be the kindest thing to do, not because I read it on some book I've been trying to finish for quite some time now. I am allowing myself to think about you still not because I want to tolerate this abusive feelings but because I know that by doing this, I am allowing my heart to forget you at its own pace. I am going to care about you still, not because I'm a dumb moron, but because I care for my heart by slowing down, preventing more wounds and damages. And lastly, I'll allow myself to hope still, simply because hoping is much, much kinder than hate.