How to be not human? (Personal Essay)

Human beings are really disappointing. I sometimes pretend that I am not human so that I won’t be disappointed in myself. One day, I’ll be rich enough to isolate myself from everybody. I’ll build my own Utopia where I don’t have to deal with people and all their shitty businesses. I’ll be living my life, not for anyone but myself, the only human that I’m gonna have to deal with for the rest of my life.

I don’t know if this is such a selfish dream. I just thought that all the troubles in this world come from people. From the day you were born until you’re old enough to understand the complicated process of your body, feelings, and emotions. All three function accordingly base from the people you get to mingle with each and every day of your fucking life.

A friend of mine once read in a book that human beings naturally crave for attention. And I think that’s when the doom starts. When a certain human being feels unattended even just one bit, he starts finding every way just to be seen by someone who craves back for an attention. Be it your own parents, siblings, friends, and neighborhood. Be it simple or complicated, cute or loathsomely hideous. All people do such things just for little attention, in exchange of a totally ruined self-esteem and well-being.

I like to listen to people but just like everyone, I tend to get fed up over endless rants that doesn’t solve anything or heal any wounds. I tend to get exhausted as well, especially when all I could do is listen and never talk. I want people to know that I have got something to say too, but most of the time, they are so engaged by their own self-contained stories. I assume it happens to all people but it still hurts me whenever it happens to me. I mean, I listen. I deserved to be listen to as well, right? Just another reason why it’s such a shitty business to deal with people. They get you to expect – they get you to expect that they care enough to listen but they don’t. ‘Cause people are selfish – they won’t listen or talk unless it concerns them.

After all these years that people continuously let me down, I realized one essential thing that should be as essential as air from now on: You don’t get people to your system. You don’t trust them too much, even if they seem so friendly. You don’t tell them things and entrust them with things. You know why? Simply because they feel – they feel emotions such as frustration and anger. And when you feel frustrated or angry, you don’t recognize trust anymore. All you could ever recognize is your frustration and anger towards the person. You want to spread this dark feelings of your to others like wildfire. You want others to feel how you feel – frustrated and angry. In the end, when all is said and done, you’re gonna act like nothing happened – that you didn’t do anything wrong to the person when really, you broke his trust without even his fucking knowledge.

Tell you more, you don’t give books to people. You don’t think they like you just because they made you a doodle one, crazy afternoon. You don’t write them letters and believe that it is enough for them to remember you for the rest of your life. Because I’ll tell you what, it is certainly not enough. They’ll forget you, simply because they want to forget you, with or without a letter. This is why you don’t waste your time thinking about these kinds of people, too. You don’t disguise and set yourself a boundary just because you want them to maintain a good mental image of you. You don’t waste your time fantasizing and talking to this person over endless dialogues you think will happen in the future. You don’t do this simple because it isn’t fair – especially when you never even cross to the mind of this person.

And at last, your resolution. You think people understand. You think they really know how to place themselves in someone else’s shoes. You think they’ll be considerate and kind. The truth is, people never did understand. They won’t get it why you chose to run away from all the paper works simply because you’re looking after your sanity. They don’t care even if you get sick. They don’t consider exams that will make you grow as an individual and as a professional. All these shits just because they only understand power. They’ll talk behind your back, embarrass you, blame you and call you names simply because they’re human beings who seek power better than kindness.

People, huh?

They’ll think living alone is the most pathetic, unfortunate thing that could ever occurred to a person. Little did they know, those who live alone are saving their hearts from tons of heartbreaks and disappointments. People don’t have to listen to you, you have to listen to yourself. You don’t trust people, you trust yourself. You don’t like people, you like yourself. And most of all, people don’t have to understand you, you have to understand yourself.

This is the only way, I repeat, the only way – if you want to really survive in this crazy, shitty world where no one truly cares for you – but yourself.