What is death? (Personal Essay)

I often tell myself, everyone is going to die. And unlike others, I'm not afraid of using expressions such as, "I'm gonna die" usually when I'm frustrated or excited about something, or "I wish to die right now" when I feel like the earth's weight is dragging me down. Because I admit, I have suicidal tendencies. You know, it's not the usual cases where victims usually slit their wrists and everything. In my case, however, I just imagine how it would be.

How it would be to die. I often picture it as a feeling of not feeling anything; numbness. It's like floating into space without feeling your own weight. It can be just blinding light or darkness. Indeed, it was beautiful, because you're going to forget everything. The place that witnessed all your stupidity and craziness. The people who hurt you with their painful lies and actions. And all the things that made you feel, as though, there is a spear buried deep down your chest.

For yes, death is not always vile, death is also exquisite in some form. I could see beauty in the dying eyes of a father who for the first time told his son that he loves him and he's proud of him.  I could see beauty in the breathless weep of a teenager who spent most of her years in a gloomy hospital room where she often heard screaming in pain in the middle of the night. I could see beauty in the lifeless body of an old woman who spent 50 years picking garbage just so she can feed her 12 children.

Because, if life is giving you chances, death is giving you rest. The kind of rest that we will never fully attain by just sleeping 12 hours straight. Rather, it's some kind of emotional rest. A rest from all the pain, sadness, fear, worries, and all the fucking emotions that  usually keeps you up at night.

Almost everyone is afraid to die, even I myself, admit that I do. It is easy to fear dying especially when everything in your life is going well. You are beautiful, you are rich, and you are famous. Of course, who would want to die if you're living the life that you've dreamed of, right? You just want everything to never change and end. Yet, on the other hand, it is easy to face death when you're lost and tired and hopeless of everything. On the contrary, this is the time when you want everything to change and end.

Contradicting, isn't it? You want to live to fulfill each chances life has to offer, yet, you want to die too with each single chances wasted. Yes, that is how life and death works.  We can never change the fact that these two are complimentary pairs, in which, both possess a different form of beauty. Life is beautiful as well as death, and yes, I realized that the first time I laid my eyes on the knife and my beating wrist.