Are you really happy? (Personal Essay)

I was crossing the road earlier when suddenly, a gruesome thought came into my mind. What would happen if the coming truck hit me? I bet it would hurt so much but not for too long. I’m sure within the next three to five seconds, the darkness will envelop me and I will eventually forget all the pain I felt during the initial crash.

Before that gruesome thought, I was on my way home. I was looking at the images etched into the dark night. There were street lights and silhouettes moving to and fro. It was like when you’re in bed and the lights are all out and the moonlight beams by the window, creating shadows that seems to be watching you. It’s scary, what your mind can do.

And before that, it was eight in the morning and I was on my way to school. I came across this beggar sitting on the street, looking at the passing cars with eyes that seems to be telling a story. What’s that story? We’ll never know. But one can’t help but think what happened to this man. One can’t help but think that before this unfortunate ending, this man was a young child loved and took care by someone. How he ended up to be in that position? How he lost his family? It will always be the question I’ll ask myself every time I’ll pass that same spot where he lives.

As you see, metaphorically speaking, this man lost his way. But one can be lost too even if he knows where to go. One can continually ask himself whether he was travelling the right way or not. And if one couldn’t answer that, one’s mind creates monsters that will eat his sanity until one cannot contain the darkness and choose not to exist.

Why do you think life is so uncertain? Why do you think life is full of doubts? Why do you think life is too short to get all this questions answered? It can be that I just have too many questions about life or it can also be that life offers too many questions, they aren’t enough for one lifetime.

I just want to wake up one morning, paying no attention to time. I just want to sat in the porch with coffee in one hand while observing every intricate and complicated details in the leaves of trees, or the nests of birds. I just want, for once in my life, not hear traffic sounds or the curses in the hallway. I just want, for a long time, to smile and not force smile.

I just want to find myself even if I don’t know where to go. I just want to know myself, doesn’t matter whether other people know me. I just want to live my life, for once, for myself and not for other people. I just want to do what I was supposed to be doing.

I just want to play in the rain, not watch the rain. I just want to walk my own path, not tag along on other people’s path. I just want to appreciate myself, not be appreciated by other people. I just want to follow my heart, not follow other people’s order. I just want peace of mind, okay? And a happy heart. And chocolates, if it wouldn’t cost that much.

Maybe these things are too simple to be long for. But that’s maybe because I’m that simple, too. And maybe they sound simple, but aren’t they the hardest thing to achieve? Can you find peace in the trees or birds or rain? Can you be happy by just drinking coffee or eating chocolates? Can you just simply be yourself and forget about other people?

No, you can’t. It isn’t easy. Happiness is not that easy.