Casanova

Jaden’s Log #332

I just woke up from a dream. I dreamt about Javin, my twin sister. In my dream, she was standing in this very dark, unfamiliar forest with wild shrubs and trees. There’s reddish smoke all over her and she’s bathing herself with the light from the round, full moon. I couldn’t see her face because her back’s towards me. I tried to call her but she won’t look back. I told her about how dad died in a crash, looking for her, and how mom got depressed and grew mentally ill because of her disappearance and dad’s death. I was crying non-stop, but still, she didn’t look back. Instead, she slowly walks away through the forest. I followed her, but no matter how fast I ran, I can’t catch up with her slow, steady pace. She disappeared into the thick, reddish smoke and I got awake.

Jaden closed her laptop right after that. She pushed herself down to her bed and stared at the ceiling. It’s almost 3 AM, and yet she couldn’t stop thinking about her disturbing dream about her twin. It’s been almost ten years, but here she is still wondering about her whereabouts and wishing that she’s still alive. No matter how much tragedy her disappearance brought to their family, she’s still her sister, and she loved her. She will do anything to have her back.

***

“I personally believe in parallel universe,” proclaimed Professor Proton one minute before the class is over. “It’s exhilarating to think that somewhere out there, another version of us is existing, living a totally different life.”

The room got filled with dull air. You can almost hear the exasperated sigh and bored yawn of the uninterested sophomore students, except Jaden of course. The boyish 20-year-old girl whose mind is filled with nothing but Science. She raised her huge spectacles, waiting for the next words from Professor Proton’s mouth until the bell rang and the room filled with dull air comes back to life. The students jump to theirs seats without even saying goodbye to Professor Proton, who decided to shrug off his disappointment.

“My,” said Mike who blew a deep breath. “I never realized I could sleep with my eyes open until that class with Professor Proton.”

Jaden is not listening. The last statement of Proton keeps on echoing inside her head. She suddenly got obsess about it.

“Hello?” snapped Mike who already noticed that she’s not paying any attention at all. “Are you here with me or are you somehow inside one of Professor Proton’s parallel universes?”

Jaden’s spell was broke. She blinked repeatedly then she look back at Mike, whose piercing eyes are watching her closely.

“I’m sorry,” she said. “I just can’t help it.”

“I knew it,” said Mike who shook his head in disapproval. “Can you please stop taking Professor Proton seriously? The man’s delusional. Everyone in the school knows about that.”

“The idea of a parallel universe is not so delusional, Mike,” insist the excited Jaden. “All the people are interconnected somehow, and knowing that, we are not sure whether the connections that we feel come from our planet or signals from other dimensions.”

“And I’m sleeping with my eyes open again,” blurted Mike who rolled his eyes. “Come on, forget about all these madness, and be a normal friend once again, please?”

Jaden sighed.

***

Jaden peek inside the dimly lit room of her mom and saw her lying, wide awake. She tossed her backpack and immediately walk to her bed to give her a kiss. She kissed her on her forehead but she didn’t stir. She remained motionless instead while staring at the ceiling as if she’s watching her favorite program from up there. Jaden stared at her mom with a heavy heart.

“I’d like to think you’re getting better, mom,” she said. “I’ve got loads of things to tell you.”

She didn’t receive any response, but still, she continue.

“For instance, our interesting class with Professor Proton today. He mentioned something about Parallel Universe and how exciting it is to have the exact same counterpart, somewhere in other dimension. Isn’t it exciting, mom?” She remembered Javin as she stared at her expressionless face and sigh. “Mom, would it help if I’ve got a counterpart somewhere? You know, she would exactly look like me and we’ll call her Javin. Just like my twin.”

For the first time, her mom’s eyes move to her direction. She stared at her as if she had the antidote that will cure her misery. To her surprise, she even held her arms.

“J-Javin?” she said with wild eyes. “J-Javin?”

“Y-yes, mom,” she answered, a little uneasy. “I was talking about Javin.”

“J-Javin… n-not… d-dead,” she continue to mumble. “J-Javin…up…there!”

She pointed at the ceiling where her eyes we’re fixed earlier. Jaden grew even more uneasy. There’s something unsettling about the look in her mom’s eyes.

“O-okay, mom, calm down,” she told her. “I didn’t say Javin was dead. I just…”

“JAVIN NOT DEAD!!!” she screamed, her nails sink in to her skin. “JAVIN UP THERE!!!”

Jaden was shocked. She tried to calm her mom down but she started to shake her wildly. For one moment, she thought she’s going to kill her. Good thing, her Aunt Delia came. She pulled her away from the tight grip of her mom before she pierced the tranquilizer to her arm. Jaden was devastated to have witnessed both her mom’s terrifying outburst and misery. Crying, she ran out of the room and went to the porch. Aunt Delia followed her a few moments later.

“She’s sleeping,” she declared upon reaching her spot. “Are you okay?”

“I-I’m okay, Aunt Delia,” she managed to answer. “I just feel bad that I did this to her.”

“It’s not your fault, darling,” she said. “You know how she is when it comes to your sister.”

Jaden was out of words for a few moments. She remembered Javin and all the things her mom said that she couldn’t make sense. She felt disturbed by them.

“Aunt Delia,” she said. “Mom said something about Javin that I couldn’t understand. She said that Javin is not dead and that she’s up there. What does she mean by that?”

This time, it was Aunt Delia who’s out of words. She suddenly look tense, as if she’s keeping something out from her reach. Jaden waited with growing suspicions.

“Y-your mom’s sick, Jaden,” she answered to her dismay. “Please don’t take her words seriously. Often than not, they’re just meaningless blunders.”

“But Aunt Delia…”

“I’m tired, Jaden,” she declared, cutting her off. “I’m going to take a rest. Please do the same. Good night, darling.”

Helpless, Jaden nod.

***

Jaden’s Log #336

It’s been four days since mom’s unexpected outburst. She’s acting pretty much the same again, but the wild, delusional look in her eyes didn’t disappear. I always peek to her room and a lot of times, I’m tempted to ask her regarding the stuff she said about Javin not being dead and being somewhere up there, but I’m afraid she’s going to have another outburst. I tried opening the same topic with Aunt Delia but she, too, seems to be avoiding me. I’m getting more and more obsess about it but I can’t do anything. I don’t know, maybe I’m just overthinking again but I really have a weird feeling about it. I wish I can just let it go…

Jaden’s phone buzzed. She closed her laptop and grabbed her phone over the bedside table. Mike’s name popped up and she immediate answered his call.

“Please tell me you’re working on your lamp project,” he greeted her instead of hello. “You know I can’t make mine while you’re still not done with yours.”

“And hello to you, too,” she answered sarcastically. “You know, just for this one time, why don’t you work on finishing your project first so I can copy yours.”

“First of all, that’s like the most ridiculous idea I’ve ever heard from my nerd best friend, and secondly, you can’t do that because we’ll both fail,” he answered in the same sarcastic tone. “Come on, you work on it, girl. Give me a call after when you’re done. Love ya.”

Jaden sighed then put his phone back to the bedside table. If only losing my one and only friend won’t cost me so much, she thought. She immediately grabbed her lamp project from under her bed and start evaluating it. Realizing she’s going to need additional wirings, she decided to go over the attic to look for some more old lamps. Attic is so dark and dusty that she keeps on bumping into something and sneezing at the same time.

“Why don’t they fix the light in here?” she complained when she fell after she bumped into something again for the third time. She felt something against her back. “What the heck is this?”

She searched for the said thing. It is round and it felt warm when she finally touched it, like a light bulb after you use it for a short period of time. Curious, she pulled the said thing out of her back and was surprised to see a familiar object; a glass ball. It was a gift from their dad when he went to a business trip in Siargao Island. And despite the absence of a proper light, she could tell how beautiful the scenery of the beach it depicts from the inside.  She gently touch the glass ball and felt the chink from the opposite side of it. She’s sure right ahead that it’s her glass ball. Javin’s got one, too. She’s playing with it when she suddenly disappears out of nowhere.

“Jaden?” called her Aunt Delia who must have heard the commotion that she made inside the attic. “Jaden, are you there?”

She got her senses back.

“Y-yes, Aunt Delia, I’m here,” she answered, quickly. “Just looking for old lamps that I can use in my project.”

“You better go down then!” she yelled. “Dinner’s almost ready!”

“I’m right there, Aunt Dali!” she yelled back. “Just one moment, please!”

She secured the glass ball down her trousers before rushing down the attic.

***

It’s past midnight. Jaden stirred up from sleep when she heard some buzzing. Absent-minded, she groped for her phone from the side and checked it with her sleepy eyes. Nothing, no one texted her. A little annoyed, she decided to go back to sleep only to be disturbed again by the said buzzing. She opened her eyes again, and reaching for the lamp, she almost fell from her bed when she realized that the said buzzing was coming from the glass ball that she sneaked from the attic. And it wasn’t just buzzing, it’s also radiating with bright, somewhat reddish light.

“Damn,” she whispered before she walk slowly to its place. In her shaking hands, she grabbed the glass ball. The bright, somewhat reddish light lit her mesmerized face. In her amazement, she cannot see the supposed to be beautiful scenery of the beach from the inside. Nothing seems to appear inside except this thick, reddish smoke. “What the heck are you?”

The buzzing grew louder that Jaden accidentally dropped the glass ball. She covered her ears with both of her hands. It’s as if someone left the radio open in its full volume during a scan for a station. She was so terrified that she thought of leaving her room, except that she also thought that the floor was shaking. Suddenly, the buzzing grew softer and Jaden’s almost sure that she could hear a sensible voice in between.  Slowly, she remove her hands to her ears and listen intently to the voice in between the buzzing and the shaking.

“Help,” said the voice. “Help, Jaden, help…”

Suddenly, the reddish light fade out. The smoke slowly cleared out, too. The buzzing stopped and Jaden could now see the beautiful beach scenery from inside the glass ball once again. She fell helpless on the floor, both a little nauseated from all the buzzing and terrified about the distorted voice she heard from the glass ball.

***

“Okay, I don’t want this to come from me but,” Mike stared intently at her. “Are you on drugs, Jade?”

She stared back at him, obviously not amused with his joke. She opened her bag and get the glass ball from inside it. She put it over the table.

“I am serious, Mike,” she told him. “I got awake last night. I heard this thing buzzing. It’s radiating reddish light and there’s smoke from inside it.”

“And then you heard a voice?” he said, bewildered. “From inside of it too, I supposed?”

“Yes!” she was helpless. “My god! Why would I invent such a thing?! You know I’m always serious and I rarely joke, especially if the joke is supposed to make me look like a delusional drug addict!”

“Okay, okay, I’m sorry,” said Mike who obviously starts to take her misery seriously. “I’m just saying, you might be just a little, I don’t know, overstressed? You know, you’ve mentioned to me that your mom had an outburst just a few days ago. Don’t you think it’s what triggers that episode?”

Jaden fell silent. She never considered what happened to be a product of stress over her mom’s outburst. It felt so real and she knows she’s not dreaming because she never fell asleep again after she heard the said voice.

“This glass ball’s a gift from dad, Mike. Javin had the same glass ball which she’s been playing before she disappears. I was thinking…”

Mike held her hand.

“I know you’re super smart, Jade, but that’s just impossible, okay?” Mike said with great sympathy. “Your twin can’t possibly be communicating with you through that glass ball. She’s been missing for ten years. And I don’t want to say this, but she can be dead by now. I know you’re missing her, but please don’t give yourself any false hope. Especially with this.”

Jaden felt the tears brimming in her eyes. Mike can be a bit of a bully but he’s the most reasonable person she have ever known. He’s right, maybe she’s just stressed about her mom’s condition. She drew a deep breath, pushing her tears back.

“You’re right,” she told Mike, nodding. “I should probably take some rest.”

“You should,” Mike agreed. “I’ll cover up for you in our afternoon classes.”

She tried to smile at him but deep down inside, something still feels unsettling.

***

As Mike advised, Jaden went home early. Aunt Delia and her mom weren’t at home when she arrived. She found the keys under one of the pots. Once inside, she found a note from her aunt on the fridge. Doctor’s appointment today, it simply says, and she wondered for a bit whether her mom’s going to be okay. Her mental health seems to be getting worse with each passing day. She sighed and went straight to her room where she immediately lie in her bed. She tried to sleep but a lot of things are orbiting inside her head. She keeps on tossing and turning, until her eyes caught the glass ball from under the computer stand. She felt terrified for one moment, and tried to ignore it, but no matter how hard she tries, her eyes keep on coming back to the same spot where it is placed. Finally, when she finally gathered enough courage, she slowly stood up from her bed and move towards the computer stand. She grabbed the ball, and felt its hot surface once again. She could see the beach from inside it but something’s wrong, there seems to be a hole inside it. A black hole that fumes the reddish smoke. The terror started to catch up on her once again.

“Not this again,” she whispered, terrified. She tried to drop the glass ball, but a great surge of energy seems to be keeping the glass ball and her hand attached. The glass ball starts to radiate reddish light again which only made the obscure energy become visible through her naked eye. Her hand starts to shake as the glass ball emits reddish flame and began to float. Staring stunned at the said flame, her eyes turned red. “W-what i-is h-happening?”

Jaden felt the chink in the glass ball, and accidentally put her hand in between it. The unnerving energy immediately transport to her body that the next moment when she blink her eyes, everything turned black. She wasn’t sure whether she passed out but she’s aware of the familiar presence of someone else. She knows she’s not alone.

“Jaden,” the distorted voice echoed somewhere. “Jaden, help me…”

Everything seems to be spinning. Jaden couldn’t feel her own body but felt much stronger now. She’s determined more than ever to know the mysterious being that tries to communicate with her.

“Who are you?!” she screamed at the top of her lungs. “Tell me who you are!”

“Javin,” answered the being in a voice that seems to be brought by the wind. “Javin…”

Jaden was stunned. She’s shivering from head to foot. She couldn’t make her mind believe what she’s actually hearing.

“H-how did this happen?” she asked, her knees are shaking. “I thought you’re…”

“I was taken, Jaden,” explained the voice. “Abducted by a group of Casanovian…”

The spinning grew faster. Jaden suddenly felt nauseated though she can’t tell whether it’s because of the spinning or the revelation from the voice who claims that she’s Javin, her twin sister.

“I’m someplace else, Jaden, and there is no time,” continued the voice who grow weak and desperate. “Help me get out of here, Jaden, please…”

The buzzing resumed and it made Jaden panicked. She couldn’t allow the connection to be gone. It’s her only chance of finding her sister.

“Where are you exactly, Javin?” she pleaded. “Tell me where you are!”

“I’m in a little planet called Casanova,” answered the wearing voice. “They will soon baptize me as their permanent member. I can never leave the planet after that. I’m so scared, Jaden. Help me…. Help me…”

There was a loud, continuous buzzing after that. Jaden tried to call out her sister but the buzzing continues to deter her. The darkness slowly fades, and she fell to her knees. The glass ball rolls right beside the door. Jaden stared at it as tears start to brim in her eyes – she lost her.

***

“Okay, class, I’ll see you next meeting,” declared Professor Proton to the scampering students. As always, he shrugged off his disappointment. “What a great class filled with ill-mannered morons.”

He gathered his things, ready to leave. Jaden watched her as he walks out of the door. She’s about to follow him when she felt Mike’s hand on her arms.

“What is it, Jade?” asked Mike. “Aren’t you going to take your lunch with me?”

Jaden stared at Mike. She loves her best friend but she knew she couldn’t just go through another confession with him. There is no time, and on top of it all, she knows he won’t believe her.

“Can you wait up for me in the Cafeteria?” she told him. “I’ll just consult my Science Project to Professor Proton.”

“God, what a nerd!” Mike said, rolling his eyes. “Do it fast, alright?”

She nod. When Mike left, she immediately followed Professor Proton to his office. She found him sitting in his chair, reading over some papers. She knocked to the open door to catch his attention.

“Jaden?” Professor Proton raised his spectacles. “What are you doing here?”

Jaden heaved a deep breath. She entered his office, looking rather distracted. She doesn’t know how to tell Professor Proton about her sister.

“Professor Proton,” she said. “Is it okay to ask something?”

“Shoot,” said the calm professor. “What is it?”

“Well, um, I know this may sound a little weird but I can’t stop thinking about what you said about parallel universes,” she said, heaving another breath. “I just have to ask if you happen to heard about this little planet called Casanova?”

Professor Proton was stunned. He stared intently at her face, looking really fascinated. He signaled her to sit down.

“Casanova is a mythical planet or so they say. According to some articles I read, it looks exactly just like Earth, only a little bigger. Casanovian population ranges from 15-000-25,000 only and throughout the years, Casanovian leaders try to fill it up by abducting other beings they can use to work on the progression of their little, independent planet. And since people from Earth resembles the Casanovian inhabitants much more than any other beings, they often gather resources from here. The people of course.” Explained Professor Proton. “I personally believe that Casanova somehow does exist, despite the unproven theories of scholars and scientists. Not so many people are aware about Planet Casanova. How do you know about it, Jaden?”

Jaden felt his throat constrict. For one moment, she almost hesitate to tell Professor Proton about her sister but out of desperation to find help, she did. She told him everything, including how she communicated with her through the glass ball.

“People are interconnected with each other. This connection is even stronger to those who shared the same womb. I have a theory that your twin saved her own glass ball when she was abducted and she’s been using it for the last ten years to communicate with you.”

“What shall I do, Professor Proton?” she asked, desperate. “How will I get my sister back?”

“The glass ball,” answered Professor Proton. “You said you get to enter a Casanovian dimension when you accidentally touched the chink in the glass. Create a bigger hole in the glass ball to create a bigger Casanovian dimension. You must enter the dimension again. Look for a way to find your sister inside the darkness. When you found her, pull her outside the Casanovian dimension back to our own dimension. Do you understand me?”

With a growing terror inside her heart, Jaden nodded.

“You must do this as soon as possible, Jaden,” reminded Professor Proton. “Once your sister was baptized in the  Casanovian Feast of Rebirth, all her connections to her origin planet will be gone, much more her connections with all the people who get to be part of her life, including her own family. This connection, this is the reason why you get to communicate with her and not through the glass ball. You must get her back before this happens…”

***

The fear, it has always been the greatest barrier. Jaden did as what Professor Proton instructed her to do, but the fear inside her heart is a growing monster that eats her up. And as she wait to secure her connection with Javin, she thought about her father who died searching for his sister, and her mother who is now ill, without any promise of restoration. But she knows, deep down her heart, she knows that when she succeed in getting her sister back, she’s somehow going to get better, and it is what keeps her going.

The hole that she created in the glass ball starts to radiate reddish light. It also starts to fume reddish smoke that when she blink her eyes, the whole room was already filled with it. She heaved a deep breath and watch the glass ball float over the reddish flame. It illuminated the whole room before slowly fading, making her blind with terrifying darkness. She knows she succeed entering the Casanovian dimension. And despite the spinning that seems to surround her, she tried to stood up and walk. It feels like she’s walking in the air! Nothing touches the soles of her feet except the warm, reddish smoke.

“Javin?” she called out as her feet floated. “Javin, are you there?”

Jaden turned on the little flashlight that she brought with her. She was stunned when she found herself in an unfamiliar forest with wild shrubs and wild trees. She remember this place so clearly from her dream.

“Javin!” she screamed at the top of her lungs. “Where are you, Javin?!”

And just before she hit a dead end, she found her sister standing in front of a tall mass of rock, bathing herself into the moon light.  She was stunned once again. Even from a distance, she could see their resemblance. She looks exactly just like her and it makes her heart pound with joy.

“J-Javin?” her voice is shaking. “I-is that you, Javin?”

Slowly, Javin turned to her, revealing a dreamy look upon her face.

“I almost thought you’re not going to find me, Jaden,” she said in her somewhat breathy, distorted voice. “I’ve missed you.”

Jaden’s eyes brimmed with tears.

“I missed you, too,” she told her. “Come on, let’s leave this place!”

“Yes,” she said, smiling. “Will you take my hand?”

Jaden, still filled with tears, nodded. She extend her hand towards her sister, who in return, reach her hand back. When their hands touched, Jaden felt a connection so strong she almost fell.

“It’s okay,” said Javin. “Everything’s going to be okay now.”

Jaden believed her.

***

Jaden’s Log #337

It’s been a long time. I don’t know how to write a decent entry. I don’t even know if after everything that happened, I can still continue my life as it is. I’m trying, though. After all, the worst part is over. I've escaped Casanova, in exchanged of Jaden.

P.S. This is probably going to be her last entry.

Chris & Jane

I

It started when I was seven, I think. It’s the time when I realized that I don’t enjoy playing Molly anymore, the little doll that mom bought me when I was three. I started to play the little soldiers of my older brother Chris, instead. It didn’t came out as much of a surprise to mom, not until I told her that I want to drop my ballet class. I told her I don’t like to dance with the snotty little girls who wear laces in their socks. I told her I like to play football instead, like Chris when he’s still with us. Mom cried and cried and talk to dad after that. They had this huge fight which only stopped when mom had a breakdown. Dad called an ambulance which took mom somewhere. From then on, I never see mom again and I was left with dad, who supported me throughout all the changes that occurred to me.

I love dad, and I know that he loved me more than ever now. He never accompany me to the mall whenever I needed some clothes. It’s always mom who happily shop with me, but now, he’s more than glad to accompany me to the clothing center where he and Chris used to shop. He would buy me bunch of football shirts and I would be very happy. And when I told him that I want to cut my hair really short just like how short Chris’s hair back then, he went nuts. He’s so happy he took me right away to Chris’s favorite barber shop. The barber happily welcomed us but when dad left to buy some hotdogs, he got really anxious. He asked me if I really want to cut my long, black shiny hair so short I would look like a little boy. I think that’s the first time I had a seizure. I don’t know. I can’t remember what happened except when the blood spurt through my nose and I fell to the floor. I remember how shocked the barber was until dad came and picked me from the floor. He whispered something to me until slowly, I closed my twitching eyes. When I woke up, my hair was short.

And now, ten years have passed. I am already seventeen and people are calling me gay. I don’t mind it so much, but dad, he can get a little rough about it. He would curse some classmates of mine whenever he hears them calling me gay and he would insists that I am a boy, he’s one and only boy. Like I said, I love dad so much and I would do anything to make him happy but there are times when, I find it hard to believe him. Actually, it’s even harder to believe in everything he says nowadays.

If you’re going to ask me, I would say that the most difficult part is whenever he calls me Chris, like my older brother is still alive. One time, I suggested him to keep on calling me Jane but he got so mad that he slapped me. From then on, I never insist him to call me in my given name. I thought I’ll get used to it just like how I get used to so many manly stuff throughout the years, but I was wrong. I don’t know, but whenever he addresses me in my brother’s name, I am almost sure I could hear a little voice inside me protests.

The next difficult part is when he joined me in the male football team in school. The coach laughed and all the players laughed but dad bet that if I beat all those other huge guys in a game, the coach should recruit me in the team. The coach, as a joke, agreed. Dad had me on an intensive training throughout the years and so just like what he expects, I beat all the other guys in a barely 15 minute football game. The coach was so mesmerized, the next thing I know, I was a part of his football team and I was training with these huge dudes who hate me to the core. I guess they were both threatened and mortified to play alongside a girl that they did all they can to shut me off the team. They pulled really horrible pranks at me, harassed me, and some others even try to hit on me but I’ve survived all that. I guess, I was beyond whatever they think of me and whatever I think of myself. As a revenge, I continue to show off my skills in every game and every possible way I can, until they’re merely a shadow of me. I am the reason why we won the games we won and although they were bitter at first, they realized that they also benefited from all my efforts, and that’s when they grew a little kinder to me. Although, there are still some who hate me, I succeeded to have made some friends.

You see, I don’t have any girlfriends.  All my friends came from the football team.  We would hang out, talk about manly stuff. But still, at the end of day, I’ll go home, take a bath, study my body, and I would sleep disappointed because I couldn’t find a trace of manhood in myself. This is when I would question myself and all the parts that compose me. What am I? I don’t understand why I have to live this way when obviously, I ought not. I am different from what my dad wants me to believe, and act, and live. I could feel it in every fiber of my body, I can even hear it, that I am different. So, what am I doing?

“Maybe you just need to get laid,” Tom, one of my football buddies, openly joke one time I told him about how I feel. “I’m willing to help you with that.”

“Jerk,” I snapped. “Don’t you have a girlfriend?”

“Oh,” he grinned. “So you want the help of my girlfriend then?”

I could punch Tom for being both a pervert and a sexist but I didn’t. I shook my head and left him instead. He caught me while he’s still catching his breath.

“Okay, dude, seriously,” he said. “Why don’t you tell your dad how you feel?”

“He’ll kill me.”

“What about your mom?”

I stopped, as if my feet caught some imaginary wire. My mom, I haven’t seen my mom in such a long time, and honestly, I haven’t thought about her either. I mean, I sure does think about her sometimes when I went to bed but when I wake up, it’s like my whole plate’s clean again. It’s like all the memories from when I was born until I hit seven was gone somewhere I can’t totally reached.

II

“Dad?” I approached that night. “Is mom still alive?”

Dad did not answer immediately. He stared at me instead, looking suspicious. It’s like he’s searching my eyes for something and when he failed to do that, he sighed.

“Why are you suddenly asking me this, Chris?”

I flinched. There he is again, calling me Chris. Addressing me as his favorite dead son. This is a bit too much to handle. I don’t deserve this!

“What?” dad said, looking infuriated. “What did you say?”

I blinked. I don’t remember saying anything to him. What is he talking about?

“Tell me what you just said!” he grabbed both my shoulders and started to shake me. “Tell me!”

“B-but, dad!” I was shocked. “I didn’t say anything!”

“Yes, you did!” he insist. “You just said here I am calling you Chris again, addressing you as my favorite dead son. Chris is not dead and we both know that!”

I was shocked. I have no idea I said those things out loud. What is happening to me?

“Okay, that’s it,” he said. “We’re going to put an end on this!”

I was so scared. I’ve never been so scared to dad. He’s never been this angry and strong. He’s so strong that he carried me with just one arm. He tied me to this grim chair, and sealed my mouth with his hanky. He’s never done this or maybe he did. I can’t remember now. My head is spinning. There are voices all over the place – dad’s voice, my voice, Chris’s voice and another girl’s voice. I’m not even sure where I am anymore.

“You’ll never take my son away from me again,” he keeps on saying. “You naughty little girl, you’ll never take him away from me!”

And that’s it. That’s the last thing I heard from him before I got myself into trance. I’m sure I am breathing and that I am alive but everything is dark. It feels like I am floating or is it just my head? I don’t know. It’s so dark and I couldn’t think properly when it’s so dark. I don’t like dark places. I’m scared of it.

“No, you’re not,” said a voice. “You’re not afraid of the dark, you little coward!”

It was Chris. I am a hundred and one percent positive it was Chris. I know his voice. He used to scream at me when he’s still alive and we’re still little kids.

“C-Chris?” my voice is shaking. “Where are you, Chris?”

He laughed. He laughed that little mocking laugh he used to do when I couldn’t keep up with him. I hate it when he does that.

“I’m here, you dumb-ass!” he said, still laughing.

“Where?”

He just laughed again.

“You’re so pathetic you think dad loves you,” he said, mocking. “He’ll never love you, you know.”

I started to cry.

“He’ll never love you because you’re weak,” he emphasized the word weak. “You can never live out his dream just like me.”

I covered my ears with my hands but I could still hear his laugh.

“Stop it!” I scream. “Stop it!”

He didn’t stop. His laugher grew even louder. I know he’s enjoying my misery.

“You can never be a football star,” he said. “A girl can’t be a football star.”

“Stop it!” All I can do is appeal. “Please stop it…”

And that’s when everything grew paler. The darkness started to fade and the silence takes over. I could hear my own breathing, even the beating of my heart. Where am I? I wanted to ask but I can’t move my lips. What happened? I try to remember but all I’ve experienced and heard start to become part of the distant memory again, so distant I couldn’t even touch them. I don’t know how to.

“Yes, breathe,” I heard my dad said in his soft, calm voice. “Just breathe it all out…”

I opened my eyes. He’s there, smiling at me as if I’m a new person. As if I’m Chris, his favorite son, and I was born again.

“Now, slowly, go to sleep, darling,” he told me. “Everything will get better tomorrow when you wake up.

And I did as what he ordered.

III

I’ve never been the same since that incident. It’s like a different entity has possessed me. The things I find interesting back then, I don’t find interesting now. I don’t even like football so much that I would do anything to skip the practice. In my fifth consecutive day of being absent, coach was so mad that kicked the table in front of me.

“Pull yourself together, Jane!” he screamed. “Stop acting like you’re some silly little girl!”

But what if I am?

“What?” coach asked me, shocked. “What did you say?”

I didn’t say anything but I figured, this maybe one of those random cases when people actually heard me saying my thoughts out loud, just like what happened between me and dad a few days ago.

“Oh, oh my goodness!” coach starts to panicked. “Y-your nose’s bleeding,”

“What?”

“Your fucking nose is bleeding!” he repeated. “Santiago, get the medicine kit!”

Coach helped me get into the right position. I could see the skies. It’s blue but the random speck of blood in my glasses made it look like the sky has a bloody polka dots.

“Just keep your head high, okay?” he said. “Are you feeling dizzy?”

Actually I am. Everything is spinning. Suddenly, it seems like someone is whisking the sky like a pancake batter. The speck of blood goes with it, mixing them together. I closed my eyes. I am in a trance again. I found myself in this dark place again, but unlike before, I don’t feel as if I was floating. I could actually feel my feet this time. Staggering, I started to walk while swatting my hands in the air, afraid to bump into something. Suddenly, there’s a light – a light shone and reveal the back of a petite little girl wearing a rainbow-colored dress. Who’s this little girl? Oh, wait, it’s me. I’m sure it’s me. I remember this scene. It’s the day before I hit seven and before Chris died of Pneumonia. We were staying at the house by the beach and I used to pick up shells every morning when the ocean seems to be sleeping.

“H-hi,” I approached the little girl. “Hi, Jane,”

I was ecstatic. I’ve never been this ecstatic seeing my past self; the innocent, little girl who likes to play with her beloved doll, Molly. I approached further. I am dying to see my face – the face of that little girl who I lost somewhere between dad and Chris. I want to talk to her and know her again. Because maybe if I did, I’ll realized who I really am.

“Jane?” I could almost touch her little shoulders now. “Talk to me, Jane.”

The girl is crying. I could hear her sobs. It’s sharp and painful as if someone keeps on stabbing her on the chest. Her pain and sadness envelop me that I suddenly found myself crying as well. That’s the time when she looked back. I held back my tears the moment I saw her. There is nothing, nothing on her face. Not a single feature. They’re all gone. All that’s left is this oval-shaped face illuminated by the bright lights from somewhere. I was scared, not for myself, but for the little me. I don’t want this little memory to be gone just like what happened to others. This is the only memory left that I could hold on. I couldn’t afford to lose it. I couldn’t afford to lose myself.

“Please, protect me,” she managed to communicate to me despite missing her mouth. “Don’t let him take me away.”

“W-what?” I was confused. “Who is going to take you away?”

Her little finger pointed to the lights above. I held up my chin. I couldn’t see anything but bright, hypnotizing lights.

“You’re not your brother, Jane,” she said, holding my chin. “Chris is dead.”

Of course, I know that Chris is dead! I was seven then and he’s twelve. He’s suffered from a really bad case of Pneumonia that he grew so thin, he can barely lift his pillow. I remember to do his own bed for him and he would shout at me.

“You, stinky little bitch!” he would call me. “You should be the one suffering in this death bed and not me!”

“Big brother, please!”

“Don’t call me, big brother!” he’ll snapped. “We both know that dad doesn’t want a weak girl in the family, and you know what? I don’t want you either!”

“But I love you.”

“Shut up!” he’ll scream with all his might. “This body may die but I’ll continue to live somehow.”

“W-what do you mean?”

“You, bitch.” He’ll grin at me. “I’m talking about you.”

“Me?”

“Dad made a promise.”

“What promise?”

And that’s when the conversation stopped. Everything starts to grow pale. The little girl, slowly fading, and I could not do anything about it. Suddenly, I feel like I do not own my body again. I would open my eyes, filled with tears, and I would see dad holding a small flashlight right in front of my eyes, blinding me a little.

“It’s okay,” he’ll say as I continue to sob. “It’s okay, Chris.”

IV

“Coach told us you had a seizure,” Tom approached on the way home. “Are you okay now?”

I’m not listening. To be honest, I don’t feel like I’m here at all. My head is floating somewhere, somewhere far. Tired, I stopped walking and sit under a roof of an abandoned house. Tom followed me and sat beside me.

“Tom?” I approached. “Can I ask you something?”

“Anything, bruh,” he shrugged. “What is it?”

I looked over the road. I saw the sun; it’s setting. It made my head spin a little.

“Have you…” I shook my head a little. “Have you ever feel like you’re not yourself?”

“Whut?” he chuckled. “You mean like I was a different person?”

“Yes,” I answered, a little distracted by the setting sun. “Like you were a different person.”

“Um, gee, I don’t know,” he laugh tensely. “I guess, we all feel a little different sometimes. Why don’t you ask your dad? He’s a neurosurgeon, right?”

I stopped blinking. I looked at Tom. He stared back at me and it’s pretty obvious that he’s pretty creep out by my reaction.

“D-Dude, are you okay?” he asked. “You’re creeping me out. Don’t you know your dad’s job?”

“He’s a neurosurgeon.” I answered, absent-mindedly.

“Exactly, brotha.” He said. “He specializes in brain.”

“And he does hypnosis.” I said still absent-minded.

“Yeah, I heard.” Tom nod. “Wait, are you really okay?”

Memories flood in. For some reason, I suddenly remember everything about that night when dad and mom had a fight about me. I was there by the door, I was watching them.

“Charles, you can’t do this!” mom yelled, crying. “You promised me!”

“But I made a promise to Chris, too.”

“Charles, for goodness’s sakes! Chris is dead! You can’t make him come back to fulfill your broken dreams!”

“You!” Dad held mom’s collar. “Don’t you forget I’m a neurosurgeon! I can make anything! I can make my son back through that worthless little daughter of yours!”

“She’s your daughter, too…”

“Not anymore,” He grinned, and I remember that was the most frightening grin I’ve ever seen in my entire life. “Check her head.”

“N-no,” she whispered.

Mom was devastated. Suddenly, her knees grew weak and she fell on the floor. I ran to mom but I suddenly got dizzy. I fell and when I raised my head, I found little droplets of blood on my forehead. Something in my head is bleeding.

“Come on,” Dad said when he found me. “Your head is not yet fully healed.”

He picked me up and I looked back at my crying mother as we descend to stairs.

“OH MY GOODNESS!” I was pulled back to the present by Tom’s voice. “Dude, your nose is bleeding!”

But I don’t seem like I heard him. I absent-mindedly groped my head. I searched every inch of it until I found what I’m looking for.

“I-I have a scar,” I told Tom. “I-I have a scar on my head, Tom,”

“Dude, you have that since forever!” he shouted, tense. “What is happening to you?”

But I am not sure if I really know what’s happening to me.

V

I had another seizure, or so dad say. I woke up and found myself in this dark, messy clinic of him. I was lying in bed with straps all over my body. I couldn’t move any part of it. And even my head has a strap all over it. Dad’s in front of me wearing his scrubs and sanitizing his medical needles.

“You’ll be good,” he said. “In just a minute or so, you’ll be good.”

“Why aren’t you calling me Chris, daddy?”

“Because you’re not yet, Chris,” he told me. “But in a minute, sweetheart. In a minute.”

Tears start to swell in my eyes. As I look at him right now, I couldn’t see a trace of the father I’ve loved throughout the years. Yes, I did love him, but Chris was right, he never felt the same affection towards me, his daughter. He only loved me when I was living the life of his beloved son, Chris.

“I could see that you have succeeded perfecting brain transplant, daddy,” I told him. “Am I your first patient?”

“Yes.”

“I possesses Chris’s brain,” I said, sobbing my tears away. “And you love me for that.”

“I do.”

I cried my heart out. All this time, I was living the life of my older brother. It is not me who likes his little soldiers or his football. It was him, all this time it was him. And somehow, the little girl inside me is crying for taking away Molly and everything that I used to love before dad decided that I am not worthy of my own self, my own life.

“You should thank me,” dad said. “I saved you from being weak.”

“No, daddy,” I answered. “You didn’t save me – you changed me.”

Dad didn’t answer. He’s fixing the headlights. He made it tilted to my head.

“Don’t you love me, daddy?”

No answer.

“I love you.”

He stopped and stared at me. There’s nothing you could see inside his dark, gloomy eyes. Nothing but the desire for Chris, his one and only son and one and only child.

“If you do love me, you should be willing to sacrifice.”

Knowing that I have no chance to change his mind, I nod.

“Now, close your eyes, darling,” he said. “And stop crying.”

He wiped the tears off my eyes. I close my eyes as he said. In the darkness, I saw the crying little girl again.

“Now, do you remember what I told you when we were walking by the beach before the operation?”

I nod, and together, we recite the painful lines.

“One day I would open your skull,” we recited. “One day, you will be Chris.”

And the little girl fades. I fade. I don’t know where but somewhere maybe. Somewhere, maybe.

Buttercup (Poem)

There was once a flower

Growing in isolation

Blooming in peace

There in the pavement

But in front of that pavement

Is a garden

Of thousand hybrid flowers

And buzzing bees

Bees would circle around the flowers

And these flowers would sing of lullabies

And dance,

Into the rhythm of the wind

But this flower in the pavement

Not one bee would circle around her

She never sings nor dances

She just bathes herself in sunshine

Poor that little flower!

From the garden she would hear.

They would stare at her in woe

While they started to dry up

They continue on living

And then drying

While she continues on breathing

And then living

Poor little flower,

They always tell her

But her sweetness remains

And her petals reclaim

Soon there is no more garden

No more hybrid flowers

There are only bees,

And their buzzing

They would circle around her

And buzz

But she covers up

Her sweetness is never going to dry up

Bitter Ocampo (Short Story)

“Letse ka, Monica!” sigaw ni Sandra. “May manliligaw kang Chinese?”

Napahinto ako sa pagkatikot ng tingang sumabit sa ngipin ko gamit ang basyo ng kendi.

“Weh? Baka naman Chinese-chinese-an lang `yan!” sabi ko nang akmang bubuka ang bibig ni Monica para magsalita. “Baka naman nagtatrabaho lang `yan sa Chowking kaya feeling niya, Chinese siya!”

Sinimangutan ako ni Monica.

“Manahimik ka nga riyan, Pat!” ang sikmat sa’kin ni Jessica bago excited na balingan si Monica. “Siya nga ba’t may manliligaw kang Chinese?”

“Well…” dumikwatro si Monica. Nanghahaba ang ngusong inipit ang buhok sa likod ng tenga. `Di ko naiwasang magtirik-mata. Pabebe ang pota! “Ganito kasi `yon. Nakasakay ko siya sa bus. Nagtanong siya sa akin kung alam ko raw ba `yong—”

Pinagtugtog ko nang malakas `yong music sa selpon ko. “Sweet Child of Mine” ng Guns N Roses. Orayt, rakenrol to da world! Nagtinginan sila nang masama sa’kin.

“Putangina naman, Pat!” nanghahaba ang leeg na bulyaw sa’kin ni Sandra. “Konting respeto naman, nag-uusap kami rito, oh?!”

“Sorry,” napangiti ako nang tabingi. Pinatay ko na nang tuluyan ang music.

“Oh, pagkatapos?” kalabit ni Jessica kay Monica. “Anong nangyari pagkatapos?”

Pinagpatuloy na ni Monica ang pagkukwento habang ako naman ay pinipilit mag-behave hanggang sa abot ng aking makakaya.

“So, ayon nga, hindi na niya `ko nilubayan mula no’n,” maarte pa rin na pagkukwento ni Monica. “Na-ko-confuse na tuloy ako! Shocks! Ene be yen!”

“Hindot na `to! Ang lande-lande! Um!” hinila ni Sandra ang dulo ng buhok nito. “H’wag ka nang mag-inarte pa riyan! `Di ba matagal na naman kayong waley ni Jesse? Bruha, ito na ulit ang chance mo!"

“I know. Kaya lang kasi…” napakamot ito ng ulo. “Kaya lang baka pati kili-kili ko duguin do’n. English spokening dollar, eh! Ang hirap kausapin!”

Natawa ko. Ayon, ang landi kasi, bobo naman! Hindi ko na napigilan ang sarili kong hindi sumabad.

“Okay lang `yon, kapag naubusan ka ng Ingles, kantahan mo nalang ng Butsikik!” sabi ko. “Kung totoong Chinese siya, maiintindihan niya `yon!”

Pinukol ulit nila ako ng masamang tingin.

“Nakukulot lalo ang pubic hair ko sa’yo, Pat! Alam mo `yon? P’wede ba manahimik ka na?!” ani Jessica. “Kanina ka pa, eh! Babalibagin na kita ng bakya riyan, eh! Yung sakto sa acne mo para mabawasan naman ang aktibong bulkan diyan sa pagmumukha mo!”

Sinimangutan ko sila. Nanahimik na ko nang tuluyan pagkatapos. Baka kasi totohanin ng loka at sa halip na mabawasan ang acne sa mukha ko ay madagdagan pa ng bukol. Isa’t-kalahating oras yata akong nagtiyagang makinig sa tsismisan ng mga hayop. Noong una, okay pa, eh. Pero nang magsimula ng magpayabangan ang mga ito tungkol sa mga naging lalaki nila ay doon na tuluyang pumait ang panlasa ko. Kesyo si Sandra raw ay may naging boyfriend na football player. Si Jessica naman daw ay isang sikat na painter. Neknek n’yo, ako naging boyfriend ko si Darth Vader, eh! Ang gusto kong ibanat sa kanila pero pinigilan ko dahil alam kong pagtatawanan lang nila ako.

“Mga buddy, labas muna ko,” sabi ko, medyo emosyonal na. “Magpapahangin lang.”

Tinanguan lang ako ng mga putangina! Ni hindi man lang nahimigan sa boses ko na may dinaramdam na ako. Putangina talagang mga `yon! Lumabas na ako at sinara nang malakas ang pinto. Gusto kong maglupasay. Gusto kong humagulgol. Gusto kong magpakalunod sa aquarium! Ang insensitive ng mga hayop! Kung mag-usap tungkol sa mga lalaki nila, parang wala ako sa harap nila. Oo na, bitter ako! Bitter ako dahil sa aming magkakaibigan, sila ang ligawin, sila ang nagkaboyfriend ng sandamakmak. Ako na ang NBSB! Ako na ang walang lovelife! Ako ang tatandang dalaga! Walang poreber, mga putangina nila!

Shit, `di ko maiwasang hindi mapamura, eh. Ang sakit lang kasi. Ang sakit-sakit, hayop! Bakit ba walang nakakapansin sa akin? Bakit walang nagtatangkang manligaw sa akin? Bakit ang dami-dami nilang lalaki, samantalang ako, wala kahit isa. Ang unfair, putangina! Ang unfair talaga! Bakit ba ang lupit ng tadhana sa akin? Sa aming apat naman, AKO ANG TUNAY NA BABAE RITO AH?!

Ribbon (Short Story)

Noong bata pa si Dumbo, palagi siyang tinatalakan  ng nanay niya. Bakit raw puro ribbon ang natatanggap niya tuwing recognition, samantalang ang kapitbahay nilang si Nerdie, palaging medalya ang inuuwi. Taon-taon iyon, hanggang sa, magtanim na ng galit si Dumbo sa ribbons---hindi sa nanay niya. Sinisisi niya ang mga ito kung bakit hindi siya mahal ng nanay niya at palagi siyang pinagagalitan. Isang araw, nang maabutang wala sa bahay ang nanay niya, pinagsusunog niya ang lahat ng ribbons na natanggap niya habang sumisigaw ng, “Matitikman ninyo ang ganti ng isang api!” sa tarangkahan nila habang nakaluhod humahampas-hampas pa sa lupa.

Labing-limang taon ang nakalipas, mayroon nang pamilya si Dumbo. May maganda siyang asawa at matalinong anak na hindi nagmana sa kaniya---si Junjun. Subalit sa kabila niyon, hindi pa rin nawala ang galit niya sa mga ribbon. Labis pa rin ang poot na nararamdaman niya sa tuwing makakakita siya niyon. Isang gabi, umuwing beastmode si Dumbo. Umuusok ang bunbunan niya sa galit. Hindi na sana siya papansinin ng asawa dahil nanonood ito ng paborito nitong teleserye, ang kaso’y dabog siya nang dabog. Yumayanig ang bahay pati na rin ang antenna ng TV at hindi ito makapanood nang maayos. Kaya naman, alang-alang sa paborito nitong teleserye, sinubukan siya nitong pakalmahin.

“Bakit ba, hon?” tanong nito sa kaniya. “Ano bang nangyari at galit na galit ka?”

“Nakakita ako ng ribbon,” sambakol pa rin ang mukha na tugon niya rito. “Ugh… tangina!”

“Diyos ko naman, Dumbo! Puwede ba, kalimutan mo na ang galit mo sa mga ribbon. Maawa ka!” Maawa ka, hindi ako makapanood nang maayos, ang gusto talaga nitong idugtong ngunit sa huli’y napigilan. “Ang tagal-tagal na no’n. May pamilya ka na! Saka, isa pa, matagal nang wala ang nanay mo.”

Sa halip na  maliwanagan ay lalong na-beastmode si Dumbo. Sinapak niya ang poste sa tabi. Nagtatalon siya na parang palaka pagkatapos. Tangina, masakit pala. Bakit niya ginawa `yon?

“Dumbo, kalma!” sigaw nang misis niya na takot na takot maalog uli ang antenna ng TV dahil kaabang-kaabang ang susunod na eksena sa pinapanood nito. “Kumalma ka, parang awa mo na!”

“Tangina, pa’no ko kakalma, Susan!?” sabi niya rito na kulang na lang ay mag-walling para mas intense. “`Yung ribbon… nakita ko… NAKATALI SA ULO NI JUNJUN.”